Me or We

Dear Single Way -

I'm baffled!  I'm seriously dating a guy but we have radically different ideas about marriage.  I want a shared life with my husband.  That means meals together, joint bank accounts, doing things as a couple and all that.  He likes independence and wants to come and go as he pleases.  Teamwork is a foreign concept.  So I'm focused on "we" and he prefers "me."  We're going around in circles.  Help!

----- A Team of One

Dear Team –

We sympathize!  You're trying to be a team player, but you feel continually rebuffed. You share your dreams about married life only to run headlong into his conflicting desires.  No wonder you feel frustrated.

Perhaps you feel rejected and wonder why he doesn't want to be on your team.  Maybe you sense that something's missing in your relationship.  But the best time to raise these doubts is before the wedding and not when it's too late.

God's plan for marriage is that the two individuals become a team.  That's what is meant by the term "one flesh."  Here's the picture.  God formed Eve from a rib taken out of Adam's side.  Marriage has been a side by side proposition from the beginning.

So if the two become one as scripture says, they must agree on their direction.  Picture a couple walking on separate paths.  They can hold hands for a little while.  But as the paths become farther apart, they will soon be torn from each other.

Think of a rowboat.  Single people row their boats wherever they want.  Married people share the same boat.  But if they row in different directions, the boat will go in circles.  Eventually the currents of life will cause a shipwreck. 

So let's get practical.  Your relationship needs a serious shift from "me" to "we."  Here are some thoughts: 

• Agree on who directs the crew of your rowboat.  That would be God. 

• Evaluate your shared values and goals.  Can they be shifted from solo to team?

• Discuss your future married life.  At a minimum you should eat together, have at least some finances in common, enjoy mutual friends, and participate in interesting activities together.

You don't need to joined at the hip.  Having a few separate interests is fine. But be confident of your answer to this crucial question before the wedding:  Will you build a life together or live like singles that occasionally intersect? 

Getting married for the convenience of having a partner while you do your own thing is a serious problem.  Don't just settle for a solo performance. Be a team.  If your boyfriend can't agree to these basics, then you may need to row your boat to more promising waters. 

Copyright 2003, Calvin R. Wulf and Lisa Are Wulf

Other Articles

Check out the other article links on the right sidebar.

Subscribe

Like our articles? Why not subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter? It's a quick, easy and fun read. We know you'll love it!

Reprint Rights

Our articles are available for reprint in your publication or church newsletter. Why not contact us today?

"Will you build a life together or live like singles that occasionally intersect?"