Forlorn in the Flock

Dear Single Way -

I'm an older single, new in town, and I'm having a hard time fitting in at church.  I've tried various activities, but I always feel like a fifth wheel.  The people are nice, but it's a married culture and I'm on the outskirts.  The classes are geared to couples and there aren't many singles in the choir.  So I'm at loose ends.  How can I connect?

-----Forlorn in the Flock

Dear Forlorn:

It can be tough being single in a married society.  We sit alone in church surrounded by husbands with their arms around their wives.  Something just aches inside. 

Walking into a new church as a single is like driving up to a campground to pitch a tent but finding all the good spaces taken.  It feels like the only campsite left is on the outskirts on stony and uneven ground.

It's not uncommon for singles to feel adrift in church.  Often congregations appear to be walking a tightrope.  Most parishioners seem to be married.  A single person, for whatever reason, is a fish out of water.  Churches feel awkward about it so the unattached fall through the cracks.

It doesn't have to be that way.  Why don't you take the initiative?  Try these suggestions:

• Seek out a friend of your own sex in the congregation.  Invite this person to coffee or to hang out after church.  Let this friendship open doors to other relationships in the church.

• Always introduce yourself to the people sitting around you on Sunday morning.  That goes for the coffee hour too.  We know it can be intimidating, but if you practice extending your hand to others, it will become second nature.

• Think about your particular gifts and talents.  What do you have to offer the church?  Look for ministries that excite you.  Marital status isn't a stumbling block in God's service.

• If there isn't a singles ministry, why not start one?  It could be as simple as a home group.  You only need one other person to get started.  All that's really necessary is a place to meet and a caring heart.

All of these suggestions can help.  But don't forget your best friend, Jesus Christ.  Try ramping up your devotional life.  Talk to him about your feelings and see what he gives you to do.  Love God and begin to reach out to others.  His love will attract them like a magnet.

So go ahead and pitch your tent.  Even if it's on the outskirts of the camp, you can establish a colony for others who want to be friends.  Your tiny outpost may just become a center for people looking for authentic Christian relationships.  Happy camping!

Copyright 2003, Calvin R. Wulf and Lisa Are Wulf

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"Your tiny outpost may just become a center for people looking for authentic Christian relationships."